
Being lonely comes up a lot in my life; from friends, clients, strangers ... and of course from within my own brain. This blog was going to be about my own experience with drinking alcohol to numb out the loneliness I was experiencing back in the 'before' times - then I googled a definition of the word to start the blog with and it made me a little annoyed.
Loneliness. noun
sadness because one has no friends or company.
This definition can - for want of a better phrase - fuck right off. If you speak to most people who are feeling lonely, they have friends; they may even spend most of their time in company. Despite the fact that I live alone, some of my loneliest moments have been in a room full of people.
Loneliness isn't about physically being without people - it's not being friendless and spending all your time alone. It's about genuine, meaningful connections - both with other people and within ourselves. When I was drinking, I didn't really like myself that much. I didn't have much in the way of self worth or self esteem. Off the back of that, I fundamentally didn't require people in my life to value me or my company; and I tended to forge friendships which were at best one-sided or circumstantial, at worst toxic.
I felt lonely because connections were lacking in almost all areas of my life. Even at the points where I was with the people who love me and I love the most - my family - the connection wasn't there because the connection with myself wasn't there.
I undoubtedly used alcohol to numb out the loneliness in my life. When I tell people that, they interpret it in their own way. Those who are married often assume it's because I'm single. Those with children often assume it's because I'm childfree. But the truth is, for as long as I didn't like myself there was never going to be a time where there wasn't an emptiness - that loneliness - inside me.
So that was how I felt then, what about now? Well it hasn't been an easy journey, but I can - hand on heart - honestly say that I like myself now. I'm not perfect, but I now show myself a self-kindness and accept the flaws and the imperfections as part of me. I don't accept them in the way I'm not willing to work on them, that's an ongoing process.
And that process isn't always easy, it's about looking at your values and your beliefs and living a life based around those things. It's about knowing what nourishes you, and what takes from your life. Now I like myself, I value myself and I have a higher threshold of behaviour towards me in friends and other people - and as a result of this, people have fallen by the wayside. Do I miss them? Sometimes, superficially - but those thoughts are fleeting and pass with the knowledge that they don't fit into the way I want to live my life.
Although still single and childfree, I have greater connections in all areas of my life. My friendships, my relationship with my parents, my business connections and other amazing people within the sober community.
I still feel lonely at times - but unlike that definition it's not because I am friendless or without company. I tend to feel lonely now in two situations. When I've not connected with people for a while and when it comes dealing with things in my house.
When I'm busy, I can be a bit of a hermit; quietly working away with a TV show streaming in the background or an audiobook for company. I get on with things, then go to bed, wake up and repeat. I have to remember that I have to make time for connections too - whether it's through connecting with business friends and contacts for a virtual coffee, having a phone call coffee with friends who live in other parts of the country, or actually meeting up with friends in person in a way that also supports my need to budget for building work.
With the house, well that's usually when there's something big happening - such as making decisions on the kitchen fitter to go with - or something small like remembering it's bin night when I'm already tucked up in bed. In reality, my friends are there to talk through house dilemmas, and I like the fact that it's ultimately my choice. I like the fact I don't have to compromise on the colour of my walls or the finish of the kitchen units. And hopefully one day AI will mean I have an automated bin set up. So no, dictionary people - loneliness isn't about being "friendless or without company". It's about missing those meaningful connections in your life that nourish you and - ultimately - not feeling the worth from within.
תגובות